This afternoon I got a rather distressing text message from my husband regarding our finances. I'm not going to go into detail because I feel it's a personal matter that shouldn't be aired in a public forum. Nonetheless, it did happen and is part of my life and will affect how I'll survive this day and many days to come, so I do feel that I need to share certain aspects of this "chapter" in our story. It helps me cope and process things to write them down.
My first instinct was to break down and cry and wail about how unkind fate/the world/etc. is. However, I was at work and couldn't throw the tantrum I wanted without scaring a lot of people and then having to explain why I was upset. Neither of those outcomes was appealing--so I stepped into the exam room and swore non-stop under my breath for about thirty seconds to relieve my feelings--and as I stepped out I had a memory of a scene from a TV show pop into my mind.
I have recently been watching "Call the Midwife," a new PBS series that's kind of in the same vein as "Downton Abbey" but not...if that makes any sense. It follows the real life story of a young nurse/midwife as she starts practicing in the East End of London in the 1950s. It does a fantastic job of portraying the poverty and squalor people were trying to get out from under after WWII--but more inspiring than that--it depicts the "make it work" attitude of the people who lived there. People who were full of hope, love, and a practical sort of optimism--the kind that focuses on finding the good in a situation rather than escaping into dreams or fantasies of "one day."
One of the episodes tells the story of a young mother who gave birth to preterm triplets in the middle of the night. She was alone--her boyfriend was a sailor and was out at sea--she lived in a tiny, dank apartment without water, heat, clean linen, or electricity. And she had no idea she was carrying triplets. As I watched these two women, the midwife and the mother, try to cope with the challenging circumstances and find the best solutions they could, I was completely awed. I can't say how I would cope under the same circumstances, but I highly doubt it would be with such aplomb or grace.
This was the scene that came to mind as I began to feel overwhelmed by trying to face the new reality our financial situation. Here we are, in a predicament that I, for one, do not feel prepared for. In many ways I feel alone. We make too much to qualify for assistance, and too little to meet all of our obligations. We also know we are not the only ones struggling economically and don't feel it's right to beg/borrow from our friends or family. We're between the proverbial rock and hard place; and it's time to make a big choice about which thing is gonna give...I feel out of my depth. I don't know where to begin, or what questions to ask, and I'm afraid of making a mistake that could just make everything worse...but it's a risk I'm going to have to take.
I want to find my "Inner Brit" with the stiff upper lip and unflappable composure. I am going to do the best I can with the resources I do have. I will not let my fear of the unknown future paralyze me into inaction. I will remember Churchill's words "If you meet it promptly and without flinching, you will reduce the danger by half," when I am tempted to bury my head in the sand and wish our problems away. Somehow, we'll make it through this. And once we're on the other side, I'm pretty sure we'll be amazed by how capable we really are; and we'll use the experience to teach our children.
Now, all we have to do is make it to that other side...
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