Diary of a Strange Pregnant White Girl...

Day 267

All efforts have proven unsuccessful…despite multiple attempts to alter the situation, I am still pregnant.

Since getting the word from my OB that I am officially allowed to have the baby any day now: I have gone on a three mile hike, walked a mile or more every day for the past week, moved heavy pieces of furniture, deep cleaned, done sit-ups (which are really more like abdominal crunches because it turns out that it’s almost impossible to do sit-ups with the human equivalent of a bowling ball parked on the muscles I would normally use to perform said maneuver), started taking herbal supplements that are repudiated to “kick start” labor, all while working full-time…and still nothing!

This baby is a tease. I’ll get fairly consistent contractions during the evenings for about three hours, but once I stop moving and sit or lie down, all progress grinds to a halt and I am left once more to endure a sleepless night of leg and back cramps and bathroom trips. (I understand that I will still have sleepless nights after the baby comes, but at least it will be for reasons other than my own physical discomfort. And at this point, any change in my physical condition would be a welcome one…)

I am fed up and ready to be done.

My energy is sapped and frustrations are high at the end of each day—which is partly why I have had another long absence from the blogging arena—I have not yet mastered the ability to force myself to get out of bed (or off the couch) and go blog once I’ve sat down for the night. Now, I know I’m not the only one to ever struggle with this, but seriously?! When is this kid gonna get here?? I don’t see how it’s anatomically possible for me to get any bigger, but I’m afraid that’s what’s going to happen if I can’t find a way to convince this child that life is better on “the outside” soon.

A Lesson in Endurance

Today got off to a bit of bumpy start. (Although, technically all my days have "bumpy" starts lately...get it? Cause I'm pregnant? *Sigh* I've now starting telling stupid jokes. Isn't that some kind of parenting milestone?)

Seriously though. I spent most of my slow work day yesterday going over our budget and updating information and stuff. Not my favorite, but I feel better once it's done. And happily, despite a day of financial drudgery, I met my goal of getting dinner cooked, dishes done (at least the first batch--don't judge), and a load of laundry in the dryer before 10 last night.

This morning was also slow at work. So I decided to "put on my big girl pants" and spent it on the phone talking to creditors and paying bills. Also not my favorite. One of the ladies I talked to was particularly unhelpful and kept reading from her script rather than pay attention to my responses...I may or may not have made a snarky comment about purple cows just to interrupt her flow...childish, yet satisfying.

At any rate, while I feel good about facing the situation head-on and taking what steps I can to get us back on track financially, I also felt emotionally drained afterward. The part of me that gets scared about trying to raise a child while digging out of debt just wanted to curl up into a catatonic little ball--but I think that would scare my coworkers and patients. Instead, I called Patrick and he gave me a quick pep talk and we caught each other up to speed with what we were responsible for money wise this week.

That helped a bit--though I would have preferred to be given a hug and small back rub in person--but I always appreciate how he keeps calm and offers the "big picture" perspective during these kind of stressful discussions. I need that to balance me out, particularly since I get so emotional so easily lately.

Afterward, I continued trying to dispel the "doom and gloom" cloud that felt like it was hovering overhead; so I pulled up the Ensign on my kindle, hoping that I would find something to help. And--almost to my surprise--I did.

I read over some messages that felt like they were put there just for me, to encourage and uplift me during a time of stressful change and the anxiety that goes hand-in-hand with it. I felt a sense of peace. I know we are not where we need to be right now; but because of our combined efforts as husband and wife, I know we are heading in the right direction. I also know that my biggest challenge will be to focus on the progress we make, rather than the length of the process. Yet, in this moment, I feel prepared to accept that challenge and to make the most of each situation as it comes.

So, in the end, while it doesn't feel like today has been cheerful or easy the way I hoped it would be when I woke--it has been cathartic and productive. I made it through when I thought I couldn't. And I'm okay with that.

(P.S. It also helps that today ended on a much lighter note than it started. I was given coupons at work for two free ice creams at Farr's so we have a mini-date to look forward to when Patch gets off work tonight! Ice cream makes everything better...)

“Help! I’ve fallen down on blogging and I can’t get up!”

Hello to any reader who may have stumbled across this. If you’ve been waiting for me, I apologize. I honestly don’t know where the time went…but I didn’t intend to be absent this long. A thousand pardons. I hope the pictures in this post will absolve me (at least partly) of my guilt…

The truth is I’ve been busy. And when I wasn’t busy, I was exhausted. And when I was exhausted—I slept... or tried to, anyway. (I haven’t quite gotten the hang of multitasking on limited amounts of rest yet. So, I hope you’ll hang in there with me while I continue learning how this whole “mommy business” is gonna work. )

These past few weeks have been a flurry of crafting, working, cleaning, working, crafting, baby showers, working, mental breakdowns, and working.

I am happy to announce that we have finally assembled all the essential elements for the nursery! The walls are painted. The floor is vacuumed. The windows have been washed. The furniture is in place… It still looks a little Spartan because I have yet to put up curtains, or assemble bedding, or sort clothing and toys into their proper homes. But I freely admit that I was a bit overwhelmed by the realization of how much one little person can add to the laundry rotation, and I balked. Ahem. I mean, “took a step back to calm my nerves.”

Still, if we were suddenly faced with bringing baby home tomorrow, we could survive. I’m just hoping for a little more time to set up shop before that happens. (Not too much time, mind you. After all, I don’t want to be this big much longer…but a little more couldn’t hurt, right?)

I want to take a moment to send out a big karmic “Thank You!” to all the lovely ladies who came (or sent their love and support via another) to the Garden Tea Party/Baby Shower on the 4^th. You are amazing! Patrick and I don’t know what we would have done without you. Really. Because of you, we are now better prepared to clothe, feed, and nurture the little bundle of joy heading our way. You gave us the furniture she will use, the clothes and diapers she’ll wear, and the toys she’ll love and play with. She’ll come into the world surrounded by love. Thank you—from the bottom of our hearts. (I’m still tracking down addresses to thank you all individually, but in case it takes me longer than expected, I wanted you to know right now how much your support means to me.)

Without further ado, I would like to present you with some pictures of said fabulous day! (Please note, these were taken by the very talented Elizabeth Hansen—whom I’m eternally grateful to, because we might not otherwise have pictures—everyone was so busy enjoying themselves! I have borrowed just a few of my favorites from her Facebook page so you can see how awesome everything was.)



What's a Tea Party without a "Fabulous Hat Contest?"



Me and the other States Ladies. (That bulge under my hand is the much anticipated "guest of honor!")



Table display of all the handmade items waiting to be loved. The blessing gown was designed and sewn by my sister.



Such yummy treats...and so elegantly displayed!

 

Handmade prizes for the Hat Contest and Shower Games. There's a rag quilt themed "Kim's Garden" in honor of my mother, a handknit Alpaca lace scarf, and flower pots stuffed with a bouquet of soap and handknit washclothes.



First Place Hat, worn by my cousin Lauren.

Second Place Hat, worn by my friend Susan.

I was overwhelmed by the stack of gifts placed in front of me! As you can see from the picture, we were quite literally showered with adorable outfits and assorted baby essentials!

In the meantime, I’m doing my best to take things one day at a time. Today’s goal (after making it through my work shift of course) is to get one load of laundry and all the dishes done. I really hope to have made visible progress before 10 pm…Wish me luck!

Finding my silver lining

Believe it or not, I started a writing a post for last night; but, upon reflection, I was writing from an unhappy place and chose to not put all that negativity out there once I got home.

It has been a rough couple of days and sleepless nights. It has been reinforced to me lately, that my body is no longer my own--my lower ribs in particular are protesting the gradual invasion from my darling intruder down below. And while I really do like my job, these long shifts are taking more and more of a toll on me the farther along I get. I find myself eagerly counting down the days until I can go on maternity leave and (hopefully) get a few days of rest before facing the sleepless nights of "new mommy-hood."

On a lighter note, I've been making good progress on my "Getting Ready" checklist. I finished knitting her blessing blanket yesterday. I'm so happy with how it turned out! It does need a little blocking on the sides, to stop the edges from curling under, but that's no big deal. And I started working on a little hat that (once again: hopefully) will fit her and that she can wear home from the hospital.

Patrick is nearly done painting the nursery--there's just that few inches near the ceiling that remain to be covered up. I'm really excited to see how it's all coming together--it's gonna be so cute! And once the walls are done, I can finally start arranging the furniture (or, y'know, supervise as Patrick moves it around) and decorating with all the fabric projects I've been working on in the meantime.

Plus, last night, my sweet in-laws sent up a special surprise that totally made my night: a bassinet that's been in their family for over 120 years! The best descriptive word I can think of for it is charming. It's all hand-turned spindles and sturdy, pioneer-esque workmanship. (Plus, it's low enough that I will have absolutely no problem bending over the rails to get the baby in or out!)

It was so fun to listen to Patrick list all the family members who've spent their first nights in this little piece of history. He showed me the small nicks and repairs that furniture that old is bound to accrue, and all the stories behind them. And as I watched him set it up, and the excitement in his face and voice at the prospect of rocking his child to sleep in the same way he was soothed as a baby, my heart melted a little. I feel so glad that this sweet little girl of ours will come into the world surrounded by a family full of love, and memories of generations past--even if she'll be too young to remember it for herself for a while--I believe it's the kind of thing that leaves an impression on the soul.

So I'm doing my best to hang on to these feelings and this excitement, rather than dwell on the aches, pains, inconveniences, and anxieties that seem like they have no end in sight. I'm going to trust that the end to this process will come--probably sooner than I think--and I'll be so in alt over "my prize" that the rest will just...fade away...or at least become less noticeable.

And in the meantime, I'll celebrate the small successes. Like the fact that I actually slept through the night last night! (I don't know if my body was just so worn out from a particularly strenuous evening, that it just couldn't cope with prospect of tossing and turning and getting up to pee; or if the new sleep position I decided to try worked like a magic pill; or if taking a long soak in as hot a bath as I could handle right before going to sleep did the trick; or if it was a combination of all these things--but the results were glorious. I hope I can replicate it again tonight--minus the fact that I forgot to set my alarm and it was only my bladder that rescued me from being crazy-late for work. Today I was only "moderately" late. Ah well, you can't have everything I suppose.)



  

"Practically Perfect"

It was another quiet day at home for me...

I finished piecing together the slipcover. All that remains to be done is hemming the bottom edges and serging the inner seams. (And recovering the seat cushion, of course.) I did attempt to try pinning the hem in place, but quickly discovered that it's not really something I can do without lying on my stomach--an impossibility at this point. So I might kind of "fudge it" until after the baby comes and I can do it properly. 

My back was royally sore after two days of sitting in strange, cramped positions trying to pin and sew this behemoth--it became very unwieldy after all the pieces were pinned together--so I gave myself the afternoon off. 

I put a heating pad on my back while I watched a bit of TV and surfed the web, catching up on everyone's blogs and Facebook posts, etc. After reading my cousin's post about making more time for herself, I was inspired to do the same. I took a long warm shower. (I can't do "hot" anymore. It makes me dizzy.) I moisturized my skin (even the hard to reach bits) and trimmed my hair. And I cut and polished all my nails, including the toes, people! (That took a bit of doing, let me tell you...As short as I am, you wouldn't think my feet could seem so far away...but it's the truth!)

Patrick was home by 5:30--a very rare treat for both of us to be home when it's still light out in the evening--so we went for a long walk along one of the many hiking/jogging trails we recently discovered. It was beautiful evening, if a bit nippy, and we got to enjoy each other's company without the distraction of electronic entertainment for a while. I had packed a light snack for the trip because I knew it would take us a while to get to our destination at my pace. There were a couple of seagulls near where we chose to sit, so we watched them duke it out over my apple core. Patrick called the winner. He must have a knack for picking the winner of a fight after watching Wrestle-mania and stuff as a teen....I felt bad for the loser, so I left a little more apple behind when I was fairly certain the winner wasn't looking. I hope he got it. 

Despite the chilly breeze on the way back, I was telling Patrick how good the idea of a snow cone sounded to me. Unfortunately, it's still too early in the year for snow shacks to be open, but Patrick found the next best thing on the way home: smoothies! Which ended up being our dinner, because I wore myself out on that walk and with playing catch-up on all the laundry waiting for me when we got back...It bites when you run out of underwear and work clothes at the same time...  

Now as I sit and reflect back on the day (while fighting the urge to fall asleep over the keyboard), I have to admit: I feel perfectly content with my life in this moment. It may not be perfect, but it's pretty darn close if you ask me. :-)

A Quiet Weekend

I almost went to sleep without posting again. Luckily, I had the day off and was able to nap this afternoon, so I was awake enough to remember to blog.

Just a quick catch-up:

Friday:
I spent the day with Chrissy. We watched a bit of TV and then went over to Dad's to start clearing out the craft nook by his office. (I ended up finding a lot of forgotten treasures--like sewing patterns, fabric, and sock yarn. It was kind of like going to JoAnn's or Hobby Lobby without actually having to spend money!) When we got back to Chrissy's house, we had an impromptu dinner party as Patrick, Dad, Kaylee, and I all joined Chrissy's family for dinner. Then Scott and Ana called and invited us to go to a movie, so we also had a spur of the moment date night! An excellent end to an excellent day.

Saturday:
I had to go work. Thankfully, despite one very traumatic broken elbow, it wasn't very busy and I was lucky enough to be working with a friend of mine. So we mostly sat in the break room and knitted in between patients. I introduced her to cabling--I'm pretty sure she'll love the results! Because it was still light outside when I got home, Patch and I went for a walk and discovered a new park that we will definitely be visiting again...there are some really beautiful views here in O-Town...And we got to hang out with Scott and Ana when we got back. There's something really nice about just enjoying the company of friends over pizza and a movie rental. Don't you think?

Sunday:
Patrick was going to be working all day, so I went down to hang out at Dad's house so I wouldn't have to be alone all day. I had intended to go to church with him, but I overslept and barely had time to throw on any clothes before we left--let alone begin the painstaking process of trying to find a skirt that still fits. Needless to say, I wasn't properly attired to accompany him, so it wound up being a very mellow day for me. I mostly napped between bathroom and food breaks. Plus, Patch was kind enough to help me clean the kitchen when we got back--something that very much needed doing--I really appreciate when he helps me so willingly. (Love you, sweets!)

That brings us to today. I was without transportation or cell phone today--I accidentally left my phone at Dad's the night before--so after Patch left for work, I felt a little bit trapped. I decided to take my mind off things by focusing on getting baby projects done. (I suppose I could have done laundry or cleaned, but I found I needed something that required more mental focus than those tasks require. I don't know why, but I do feel prone to small anxiety attacks lately. So I was trying to head this one off.)

I finished painting the bottom half of the nursery. (I wasn't about to try standing on a stool to do the top half. That will just have to wait for Patrick.) I knitted a few more pattern repeats on the Blessing Day blanket I've been working on. I made myself lunch and fell asleep during an episode of Chopped. And when I woke up, I found the courage I've been waiting for, to finally tackle sewing together "The Awful Chair" slipcover. I still have two more pieces that need to be pin-fitted and sewn, but all in all, I'm very pleased with my first efforts in this arena. Pictures will be forthcoming.  

"It's sucking my will to live!"

I'm sorry I didn't post last night. I think I will need to make more of an effort to post in the daylight hours for the rest of my pregnancy--and probably for a while after--because I have become part slug.

Ever since Tuesday, it seems that once I get home from work, I'm awake for about a half an hour (just long enough to change clothes and grab a small bite to eat) and then I promptly fall asleep wherever I end up sitting. Sometimes it's the couch, sometimes the bed...and once in the bathtub. Patrick scolded me a bit for the bathtub incident. (I would just like to point out that I didn't drown--in fact, it would be almost impossible for me to drown at this point because I take up so much room that there's barely enough water to cover my legs--and I can't exactly turn over to end up face down now, either.) For my part, I just wish the sleep was more restful than it ends up being. I am very much looking forward to the days when I'm no longer fighting the urge to go to the bathroom at all hours of the night...Speaking of which:

I was particularly disoriented last night as I got up for my third or fourth trip to the bathroom and I was struggling to find the door handle in the dark. I fumbled around, tapping the walls for at least a minute until I found the handle. "Finally!" my brain thought; but noooo. Turns out I walked into the closet and it took me a little while to figure out why I couldn't find the toilet in this strange room filled with Patrick's shoes...

Oh, and speaking of Patrick, that reminds me I was going to tell you how his dinner turned out: It was...Okay. He did everything correctly, (Except remembering to close the lid on the jar of brown sugar before he left. Not to worry though, I had an extra bag on hand to replace the rock hard sugar when I got home.) but we decided it just wasn't our favorite recipe ever. We both prefer the savory flavor of roasted squash, while this method ends up steaming it and shrinking the sausage and herb stuffing. Plus, the brown sugar made it a bit too sweet for our taste. I'd be interested in trying to meld the same ingredients in a different way in the future...minus the sugar of course. Still, I have to give credit where credit is due--he did a good job, followed the instructions, and everything was edible. :-)

I don't think there's really anything else interesting to say. I've got one more twelve hour shift to survive today before I get a day off. Finger crossed that I stay awake for all of it! ;-)