As the title of this post implies, I have been doing some thinking about some of the stress-inducing things in my life. I learned in a high school health class once that there are two kinds of stress: good stress that motivates us to achieve our goals, and bad stress that distracts us from our goals. I think I have experienced a healthy amount of both this weekend.
Good Stress Example: I love my family and friends and wanted to show them that love by taking the time and effort to create personal, handmade items for them.
Result: I was able to knit a cabled pair of men's dress socks and a beard-beanie in three days (that's over 100,000 individual stitches y'all)--and this was after I had completed assembling a recipe collection and custom designed recipe box for my friend's wedding. Boo. Ya. However, this also meant that I ended up knitting in every spare moment I could find on her wedding day; and crashing on the couch for almost two hours while everyone was gathered for the combined birthday celebration on Sunday because I had replaced some of my sleeping time with knitting time--and I therefore missed out on some of the funnest moments of the party. (Or so Patrick told me when I woke up. Oops.)
Bad Stress Example: I struggle with time management when I'm home alone. (Or, more accurately, I struggle with budgeting my energy across a spectrum of necessary tasks/projects. I tend to exhaust myself doing one thing from start-to-finish rather than allowing myself to take the time to make gradual--and more effectual--headway with all my projects.)
Result: I didn't do anything in my house (except make more messes) after my sister came to help me move stuff around for my craft room because I was feeling the time crunch of poor planning on the whole presents front... So today when Patrick and I got home, I had a hard time not having a bit of meltdown as I looked around. I felt overwhelmed by the prospect of cleaning it all up and berated myself for being surprised at how messy it got in a week...I was on the verge of frustrated tears when I took a step back and decided to think about why I was actually upset in that moment:
Re-evaluation Conclusion: In order to me to feel happy and peaceful in my home, I need to find a more concrete maintenance routine. (I.E. Certain tasks must be done daily at certain times in order for me to feel like I have accomplished something meaningful.) The challenge I face here is our unpredictable work schedules. I am working with my boss to create a set schedule for myself, but Patrick's is still very up-in-the-air at times... Bottom line, I get nervous about how we'll be able to handle adding childcare into that mix and my anxiety manifests itself in my ability to exert control over my environment. When I'm stressed, I can't seem to focus on my normal tasks and my house starts to reflect my chaotic state of mind.
I don't like being unhappy or dissatisfied when I come home. The way I see it, there are already so many other things outside my home that put stress on me or Patrick; I just want to feel like my home really is a place of rest apart from the world. And I wish I had the answer to my conundrum right this moment, but I don't. However, I do think I'll be able to find it after I'm able to talk it over with Patch. After all, it's really our home, not just mine or his...I think if we work it out together, we'll be able to find what works for us as a family. I think maybe where I've stumbled in the past is trying to take it all on by myself without really consulting Patrick. And I'm rapidly learning, I can't do it all by myself. Not anymore. And at first I found that kind of scary...but now...I think it'll actually be enriching for me to be more reliant on my husband in this aspect. (I just hope he finds it enriching, too!)
In the meantime, I elected to do three tasks tonight, and let the rest wait until morning. I loaded the dishwasher, switched over some laundry, and Patrick took out the trash. The house isn't where I'd like it to be, but it's closer than it was...so I think I'll take that and run with it. :-)
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